feygan: (yamiflower)
Is it sad that I'm super sad right now? Uh.

I've got so many worries pressing down on me that I can't tell which ones are real and which ones are just in my head.

It's scary to be so uncertain all the time. It makes me come off stranger than I really want to be.

Whatever. All I can do is carry on like nothing's wrong.

And possibly spam my feelings out into the universe via LJ entries and odd scribblings.

They're the only way that I can communicate at the moment. I mostly feel like there's something lodged in my throat when I try to speak. It's very frustrating.


Feb. 28th, 2015 12:40 am
feygan: (Buffy knife)
There are days when I want to be like, "Hello, I love you," but that hardly ever happens to me.

When I'm riding that whirlwind high, I'm vivacious and loud. I am the life of the party; or at least I think I am. But when that crash comes, as it so inevitably does, I am a complete Downer Dan. I can't help myself.

Yes, my mental illness does control me. It severely impacts the way that I interact with other people. I am unable to maintain my end of a friendship.

I get shy and run away. Or I start to feel the meanness growing inside me and I have to take a step back.

I still love to be spoken to or about, but I can't open up my own mouth. I can't seem to find the words to say "Hello."

It hurts to be so broken inside.

I have my interests and I have my joys, but I realize that I need human interaction. I need a companion in my life. Someone that can handle things when I cannot.

There are days I feel myself slipping away into the darksome cavern of despair. (Exactly. That's just how bad it is. "Cavernous darkesomeness" is the concept of the day. It's like supermax hell with the power turned up. Don't worry. I can laugh at myself. I am holding on. It just gets really hard sometimes.)

Things would be better if I had someone to make sure the house is clean and there's proper food in the house. A Watson would be nice, though I could well do with someone that came in and quickly got the work done.
feygan: (Sumi2)
Do you think that if Bruce Wayne had been killed with his parents, Gotham would have been better for it? Think about it, would the Wayne fortune have gone to Alfred? Without Bruce and his drive for vengeance, I think that Alfred would have kept up with the Wayne Foundation and laid the basis for a lot of Gotham betterment projects.

Instead of some rich guy putting on a costume and using Gotham as his personal playground, there could be some actual improvements to the old city. Body armor for the cops, better weapons, tighter security for essential services (like Arkham Asylum, hello!), and maybe some kind of universal medical insurance for the citizens of his city.

I'm sorry, but if I fall into a vat of experimental chemicals, I expect to receive some kind of compensation. At the very least, you owe me a new face.
feygan: (Rommie-Harper)
Have you ever been so high that you don't even feel high anymore? I mean, you're totally off your head, but it just feels like a pleasant, first-person rush. You find yourself in the midst of various situations with no care how you got there. You're in the now.

It's a heady sensation. I get to read the things I write as they happen, there's no conscious recollection of putting any thought together. It just happens.

I guess it's like running my backup personality. I have no immediate access to my memory banks, so I find myself in the middle of doing something, and it's an amazing revelation. My body moves on its own, my mouth opens and says all the things I wish I'd usually say, and I find myself being a kinder, better person; yet it's not me controlling things.

It's not as eerie as it sounds. Maybe I have Aspergers. I mean that, I'm not being facetious; maybe I have Aspergers. It would explain so much, and I'm not sure how to feel about it.

Damn, that took a turn.
feygan: (Danny-moog)
There's something in me that makes me try to impress people. I get these mad crushes on idealized versions of people I barely know, and I want them to like me so much that I come across as a complete dork.

It's very awkward being me.

I think I scare people when my full, burning attention falls on them. But seriously though, my interests are brief and I tend to wander off mid-obsession when I get distracted and forget what I'm doing.

Anyways, I was peebled and I'm entering a manic phase, and I may or may not have embarrassed myself on Twitter by coming across all crazed fan to someone I haven't known near long enough. *sigh*
feygan: (madhatter)
Sometimes I find myself fantasizing about the life I want to live someday. I have to be like, "Whoa, stop, slow your roll. You need to focus on the now if you want to see that future for real."

It's hard though. I think that I'm one of those people that needs a business manager. Someone that can handle all the details and make my ideas come to life, because I don't have that kind of focus. Someone that can act as the boss and make sure I stay on task, because without an authority figure I find myself drifting when I should be working.

I'll hire somebody when I've got the money.

"You need to spend money to make money." - True facts.
feygan: (lucifer)
My brother bought this fancy soil months ago, and now I'm finding horribly freaky bugs around the house. I'm pretty sure I saw a millipede. I've got a kill on sight protocol in place, but it's still very gross and I'm really not happy.

I want a green house, a large outdoor food garden, a storage shed/workshop, and to pay off all my debt and help pay off the house. I also want the money to help those kids have good stuff in their classroom.


Dude, I am trying hard to write, but I've put tons of stress on myself. Still, I keep cranking away toward my daily word goals. I weep for myself most pitifully.

So there's this. The start of Chapter Eighteen of Off to See the Wizard. Unfortunately, I'm not liking the angle of this. I think I might do a rewrite. I don't feel like the Scooby Gang should have crossed over. I don't feel comfortable with them there.

EXCERPT-- Read more... )

Maybe I'll see if anyone out there wants to take over the rest of this version of the story, and I'll do a new version without the Scooby Gang. I think the reason I've been so stalled out is because I'm not really feeling my outline. I mean, I can see it all happening and I know how it's all supposed to go, but I don't feel like writing it.

Anyone interested in taking this story over?  I can give you my outline and notes and help along the way if you want it, or you can go as you like.

Personally, I'm going back to Chapter Fifteen and reworking things from there. Just thinking about it makes me feel a bit of relief.


I've been working on my original stuff and trying to get it out there. The only problem is that I get all freaked out and end up sitting on a lot of it. What is wrong with my head?

Read more... )

Writing writing writing ...
feygan: (Default)
I posted a comment on someone's blog, then decided not to share the post on my Twitter.
I write stories well, but in a live conversation I come across as a complete airhead.
Sometimes I think that I might have Aspbergers, but honestly, who the hell cares?
I wake up in the morning like normal people.
I go to sleep at night.
If there's something going on in my head, why should anyone else care?
Unless I'm violent, my mental state should be between me and my mental health care professional.
What gives anyone the right to judge me?
Ignore my clothes.
Ignore my fat.
Ignore the way I talk.
Ignore my shyness.
Ignore the way I always wear a hat.
I think, therefore I am.
My feelings are true and valid.
I don't want everyone in the world to know how weird I am.
I don't want to live and die alone, and yet I crave my solitude.
I regret without being regretful.
I don't share my every thought on Twitter.
Just most of them.

Farm Up

Nov. 10th, 2013 02:13 pm
feygan: (Danny-moog)
I spend a ridiculous amount of time playing Farm Up. At first it was just to win, but I think I've had a transcendental experience.

I've been playing for over a month and I have to take care of my farm every day. If I don't, all my crops die and my farm turns into an overgrown, rocky wreck. I'm only allowed a certain amount of energy at a time too. I could beat this game in an hour if I was willing to spend money.

So I approach the game not as a task to be won, but as a way to develop my self-control. I'm not allowed to spend more than $10 on the game and I have to maintain my farm for at least six months. It makes me hope that I'll someday be able to stick to a budget and I'll complete all my real life tasks.


May. 25th, 2013 03:10 pm
feygan: (Off to See the Wizard - Jamil)
I like to put on AMV Hell in the corner of my screen while writing. I just click VLC player to Always On Top and it works great. I'll be writing away to a montage of usually upbeat music, and what I catch of the action will give me a boost of creativity. I love the AMV Hell movies so much!
feygan: (Tribe-Lex_Clown)

Watching Adult Swim and my big thought was: How the hell did these Loiter Squad kids get their own show? Seriously, in what world does that happen?

I think my interest in Adult Swim programming is severely curving away. I'm still panting after the new season of Venture Bros, I'd love some more Metalocalyse, and I'll probably never give up watching the American Guy (sic), but there's not much else on Adult Swim that I care about. All this live action crap is pretty much my limit and I can't take anymore. The only problem I have is finding another network full of late night adult cartoon shows. And there's where the problem starts.

Whatever happened to watchable TV?

Just because we have the Netflix technology, why does that mean 24-hour infomercials on a dozen channels, then nothing good on any of the other channels? It's infuriating, like all the networks decided to sell-out at one time. This is the perfect  opportunity for some network like TNT, USA, or WGN to start showing episodes of shows I would otherwise have nothing to do with, but that end up being super awesome. Think Xena, Hercules, Charmed, The Closer, and Rules of Engagement. Those were all shows that perked my late night interest straight into prime time, and it's time for another show.

And if some network is looking for a cool show to syndicate, might I suggest The Tribe? It's that dystopian future show about the world after every person over 16 died of a horrible plague, and the kids left alive have to figure out how to go on. They color their hair bright hues, paint their faces, form tribes, and go to war against each other. Plus there's the army of kids driving around on tanks taking over the world.

Jack was always my favorite on the show, but Lex was the kid with the real story behind him. He was a bully that had a backstory of casual abuse. He's vulnerable but hides it, which results in him coming across as a frightening jerk. He got power, then screwed everything up. He pretends he knows how to read when no one bothered to ever teach him; and in fact the other kids are kind of rude about it. And he knew how to wear leather, feathers, and a cowboy hat. Plus he was on for the entire run of the show.

feygan: (brony)
Think about it, if you were a fifty-foot person, unless you went on a horrible rampage, someone would be willing to spend fucktons of money to keep you in luxury. (We were watching Futurama "Anthology of Interest," then got into a big discussion about Gulliver's Travels and all the giant!tropes out there.) And you would want to be taken care of, because seriously, how else are you going to have a nice house to live in and enough food to eat?Read more... )
feygan: (brony)
Anyone recognize these two movies?

Originally posted by [livejournal.com profile] harperkingsley at Remember that Rodney Downey Jr movie where he's reincarnated w/his previous memories intact?
=POSSIBLE SPOILERS, and I am totally live-blogging my thoughts as I look shit up. =
These are movies that I'm thinking about, but can't find. HABO?

He was a super working machine that really loved his wife and daughter. He dies and goes to heaven where he's supposed to have his memories removed before he's reincarnated. He freaks and jumps into the machine to keep from having the memories of his wife removed.

He ends up meeting her, RDJ makes some crazy ass faces, and there's a pseudo-happy ending that I don't really remember, but that I think might have made me cry.

It was kind of a movie made before its time.

MOVIE: Chances Are (1989) [Thank you [livejournal.com profile] forcryinoutloud]
Starring: Robert Downey Jr, Cybill Shepherd, Ryan O'Neal, Mary Stewart Masterson, Christopher McDonald

Which gets me thinking of this other movie that was made before it's time, and was like a complete re-imaging of Robert A Heinlein's "I Will Fear No Evil."

Basically the MC is a real d-bag that uses women and tosses them aside. So he gets zapped and wakes up as a woman (MC's like "holy shizz, where's my biz?" and her expression) there was something about the story that I really enjoyed. I mean, people bad mouth it, but that movie found a place in my head so when I did read "I Will Fear No Evil," I completely got it.

They took different routes to reach the same goal. Two men that underwent a surprise genderbender that can't comedically be reversed. The MC's both experience a shift from being self-entitled white guys to being attractive women, and they don't do most of that stupid stuff that shows up in other movies. They realize that they're going to stay as women and they adapt to their lives and eventually find real love.

It makes me wonder if in the movie he was so 80s-antigay and self-hating, that the only way he could realize he was in love with his best friend was to become a woman. *Tacking that concept away. Possible future project.*

There were parts in the movie where I was laughing, and other parts where I felt like I was about to cry. I want to remember it as this really great movie, but maybe it was terrible and I'm going to get shocked like I was when I rewatched "Pop-Eye" as an adult.

I don't remember, but did MC give birth to himself? Is that what happened at the end, because that's really existestential.

Anyway, I can't remember the name of the movie, but I think it was really badly labled. It wasn't really a comedy, though there was some romance there. The MC had to fall in love with herself first before she could fall in love with anyone else.

MOVIE: (habo?)

BTW, just mentioning a tear-jerker of an absolutely beautiful love movie: What Dreams May Come.
feygan: (HeyPretty)

I need beta readers with English language skills. I can't pay anyone with anything more than fic (I do take requests!) and being the first one to read my writings. Plus I love to have someone to dedicate my writings too, and I try to get everyone that helped with a story onto the Acknowledgement page (some people do not want their names public and I respect that.)

My main problem areas:

  • I have a tendency to double words like "the the," especially when things are wrapping to the next line.

  • I can get pretty verbose. I sometimes need someone to point accusingly at a section of story and tell me to lose it or reword it.

  • I sometimes give unintended fanservice. Not such a big deal in a crack!fic, but kind of a problem in anything that's supposed to be serious.

  • I'm terrible about writing sex scenes. Some stuff comes out really hot, or other times I don't know what the hell I'm talking about and there's meandering metaphors and what have you.

Most of my stories are at the PG-13 end of the spectrum. There's more violence and foul language than there is sex, though I'm a big proponent of HEA's, HFN's, and gratuitous schmoop. I'm big into slash, but sometimes I toss out genhet pieces and there was like that one time I wrote a femslash story and I'm not going to say something like that won't ever happen again :)

 I tend to either write a chapter at a time in little spurts and starts, or I go monster and ram out a finished novel.

Stories in need:
Paradigm Shift (original) [mpreg warning]
The Panic Pure (original)
Unnamed Dark Angel/Marvel thing
Faster Than the Speed of Love
Journey to Another Hell
Off to See the Wizard

feygan: (happydog)
Argh, got my edits back. Now I've got until mid-April to accept, reject, or rewrite my story.

I was really scared for a hot minute as the doc opened, but it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. I was thinking there would just be pages and pages of RED everywhere, but it was better than I'd worried. I'm actually pretty shocked by how much wasn't changed.

Btw, I'm super grateful to my editor having to put up with me. Reading all my crazy shit and having to force it into some semblance of order. I pity that poor soul and love him or her dearly.
feygan: (purple tie-wearing bear)

The Firefly crew has gotten too old to reprise their roles as they were -- just take a look at Nathan Fillion in Castle -- so if there were ever a second run it would have to be years in the future of that universe.

Or a show could focus on a new crew on a different ship. Mal and the others could pass through as a rival ship or someone they do business with. It could be like the second run of Babylon 5.

feygan: (goth)

I get inspired by some of the weirdest things. I can be watching episodes of some TV show and my brain will make some weird connection and I'll go off on some creative tangent. It's pretty amazing.

It makes me wonder if that's the same way inventors and genius' come up with all of their most amazing things.

It makes me want to do two experiments:
    1) I would ask some survey questions to determine the ways people get inspired. What kinds of entertainment are people enjoying when they come up with their best inventions? What kinds of TV are they watching or what physical activity are they doing?
    2) I would find out once and for all whether the genius factory idea really works. A lot of societies take their brightest kids and separate them out for training, but there's been no real proof that it breeds geniuses versus just highly adept workers. To condition someone to do a certain task... I would think that it would damage their ability to be inspired by certain things.

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